"I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me. But I have stilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with it's mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me." Psalm 131:1b-2
"I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready." 1Corinthians 3:2
These days are crazy. Or should I say I am crazy these days. It seems to be an endless cycle for me constantly trying in my own strength to be the godly mom that I want for my girls. When I do this in my own strength, I then condemn myself when I fail. I return again to His promises and pick myself back up and sometimes, I do try again in His strength and it is all better. There is peace in my heart when I finally come to my senses and stop looking inside myself for enough patience and love to pour into two love hungry toddlers.
These two, so hungry for love, wake up with smiles. Do I reflect those smiles or does my coffee thirsty mouth frown back wondering why they awoke at such an hour? It is the start of the day that can send me upwards crying for heavenly help or spiraling downward and bringing these two innocent victims with me. Recently Priscilla has awoken with a scream at an ungodly hour in the night. I have then, for the past 4 nights, possibly without even opening my eyes, taken her out of her crib and cuddled her close in our bed. This is always nice AT FIRST. After about 20 minutes, she is kickboxing between the two of us, trying to escape while breaking the deep silence with loud whining. Next, I procrastinate and try wholeheartedly to get her back to sleep. She sucks her thumb hard like she sincerely is trying then goes right back to her kickboxing escape. Finally, for fear of her waking the other gremlin, I roll out of bed and fumble my way to the kitchen. WHY do I do this to myself, the baby, and Roy! Starting the day with a selfish frown...
What I wish I did, waking up despite my feelings and getting the coffee brewing before the other two awake, with just some nice alone time with my littlest is a BLESSING if I choose for it to be! I love the quote "Waiting till your happy to give thanks is like waiting till your healthy to take your vitamens". It is so true that we have controle of how we view things. We cannot view things in healthy, godly ways if we are not spending time with the God who makes us healthy and godly! So, just like I want my girls to mimic my smile each morning, so too we need to mimic the Father...only then will I be ready to be the thankful happy mommy and wife they need.
Yesterday, I drank a little deeper than normal so to speak. I read my daily portion of my one year Bible and came upon Psalm 131. God new what I needed and prescribed to me a verse of hope. David says that, like a baby, his soul has been quieted and stilled. He says that he chose not to concern himself of things out of his controle, therefore he weaned himself... I. love. this. Our minds can think on whatever we want it to. It really is up to us even tho it doesn't always feel like we can help ourselves from worrying, we can! AWESOME. It did take time however, like a baby weening, for David to quiet his soul and still his insides. Also, like a baby weening, it takes time for his body to take in all it needs to suffice for longer periods of time. It takes trust to know that the mother will not let this baby starve, but will feed him when he is hungry and in need of nutrients. So, with time and trust we too do not need to cry like a baby every hour of our day wondering where God is in the chaos or stress. We too need to remember our bellys are full of His words and to meditate on them and talk about them to our kids. Like David, this reminder to our souls will quiet and still any storm. It will keep us from crying and whining so often because our deepest insides know that He is in control.
So maybe today I can strive to be weaned and ready for the "meat" like 1 Corinthians says. To dig deeper in my thought life and reflect more vividly God's love for me. To spend more "quality" time crying out to God in my devotions. This would mean less time throwing up surface prayers of distrust to Him (even if they are a large "quantity"). The meat is what sustains us for much longer periods. It is what grows us to be much less helpless and incapable. It is what turns a coffee less frown into a spirit filled smile at 5am!