Dating back in the summer of '08

Wow. I used to stare at the pictures from this beach trip and day dream. I would sit and wonder what our lives would look like in five years. I would sit and hope for what I wanted in five years. We were headed into our junior year of college. Both starting on sports teams, you baseball, me soccer. If we weren't on the field or in class, everyone knew we were together. This is how we wanted it and we quite well told ourselves we had time for no one else. It was such a powerful infatuation we had. Remember that resistant pull that came when saying bye almost every night before heading to our own dorm. I thought that "feeling" would never go away, therefore, I would never have time for people. Knowing life, and that living had a price, deep down I really would hope that we might even "work" together. Maybe our occupations would somehow bring social work and business together into some ministry or organization where we could make money and be with other people all the while our passion for each other could still grow in it's infatuation. ppppppffff!! OHH YOUNG LOVE. So deep and self sacrificing.. 

...or was it...I got to thinking today, that it has been five years since this laboring in endless daydreams began. Noway did it turn out how I imagined. Noway did my will and ways unfold before me, and today I get to REJOICE in that!!! Little did I know that sickness would come shortly after honeymooning. Little did I know that the cause for sickness would be pregnancy! God knew that despite our "time for no one else", he would make time for others. And let me tell you, not just a go see others on my free time a couple times a week. This "other" would be an all consuming baby. So right off the bat, God loved us too much to give us our way. 

Your occupation became very  full time in order to pay bills. You chose to work two jobs and let me stay home and raise our child. This is sacrifice. This is deep love. The doing kind. Not the daydreaming self gratifying kind. 

My occupation quickly became raising a baby that screamed for mommy. Not daddy who could not nurse. Mommy. MOMMY. All day long during those first months. We barely had time to get out our wedding thank yous. This baby didn't have the courtesy of giving us some privacy or alone time when we needed it most. She didn't allow us date nights without a price. Sacrifice. 

Sitting here presently the keyboard is  literally being kicked by our third. He has 2 months until he enters the world. I am being interupted by our two year old right now who woke from her nap. Our lives have lots to attend to and we feel stretched so tight and thin at times... But does this effect our love negatively? Just this past month was filled with pregnancy hormones, loud chaotic holidays, tired and stuffy nosed bodies zipped into footie pajamas, tears of repented misunderstanding between two different schedules.  

I think quite the opposite now, as I daydream of five years from now. The times I have felt your love the most deeply and sacrificially has been in the times of need. It has been when my cup is empty and you fill it. Weather its words from your devotional time or when you take over the dishes for me. It's times when your cup is empty and tho I could act as tho mine was, I deny myself and fill yours anyway. That deep moment when you wake up to tend to a cry in the middle of the night so that I can sleep despite the fact that you have to leave for work a few hours later. Moments of infatuation have come these past five years, but this is not where the weight has come in our relationship. It's the "doing" love  that has shown me the God you serve. 

Thank you for showing me the love of God these past five years. Thank you God for putting children in our lives and knowing what's best for Roy and I. Please help us to continue to strive for these deep love moments. Rather than thinking we have no time for people, remind us that being used by you in other lives (little and big) is what brings servant hood in our own relationship with eachother.

Us five years more in love :)

BABY FOOD.

"I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me. But I have stilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with it's mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me." Psalm 131:1b-2 

"I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready."    1Corinthians 3:2 

These days are crazy. Or should I say I am crazy these days. It seems to be an endless cycle for me constantly trying in my own strength to be the godly mom that I want for my girls. When I do this in my own strength, I then condemn myself when I fail. I return again to His promises and pick myself back up and sometimes, I do try again in His strength and it is all better. There is peace in my heart when I finally come to my senses and stop looking inside myself for enough patience and love to pour into two love hungry toddlers. 

These two, so hungry for love, wake up with smiles. Do I reflect those smiles or does my coffee thirsty mouth frown back wondering why they awoke at such an hour?  It is the start of the day that can send me upwards crying for heavenly help or spiraling downward and bringing these two innocent victims with me. Recently Priscilla has awoken with a scream at an ungodly hour in the night. I have then, for the past 4 nights, possibly without even opening my eyes, taken her out of her crib and cuddled her close in our bed. This is always nice AT FIRST. After about 20 minutes, she is kickboxing between the two of us, trying to escape while breaking the deep silence with loud whining. Next, I procrastinate and try wholeheartedly to get her back to sleep. She sucks her thumb hard like she sincerely is trying then goes right back to her kickboxing escape. Finally, for fear of her waking the other gremlin, I roll out of bed and fumble my way to the kitchen. WHY do I do this to myself, the baby, and Roy! Starting the day with a selfish frown...  

What I wish I did, waking up despite my feelings and getting the coffee brewing before the other two awake, with just some nice alone time with my littlest is a BLESSING if I choose for it to be! I love the quote "Waiting till your happy to give thanks is like waiting till your healthy to take your vitamens". It is so true that we have controle of how we view things. We cannot view things in healthy, godly ways if we are not spending time with the God who makes us healthy and godly! So, just like I want my girls to mimic my smile each morning, so too we need to mimic the Father...only then will I be ready to be the thankful happy mommy and wife they need.

Yesterday, I drank a little deeper than normal so to speak. I read my daily portion of my one year Bible and came upon Psalm 131. God new what I needed and prescribed to me a verse of hope. David says that, like a baby,  his soul has been quieted and stilled. He says that he chose not to concern himself of things out of his controle, therefore he weaned himself... I. love. this. Our minds can think on whatever we want it to. It really is up to us even tho it doesn't always feel like we can help ourselves from worrying, we can! AWESOME. It did take time however, like a baby weening, for David to quiet his soul and still his insides. Also, like a baby weening, it takes time for his body to take in all it needs to suffice for longer periods of time. It takes trust to know that the mother will not let this baby starve, but will feed him when he is hungry and in need of nutrients. So, with time and trust we too do not need to cry like a baby every hour of our day wondering where God is in the chaos or stress. We too need to remember our bellys are full of His words and to meditate on them and talk about them to our kids. Like David, this reminder to our souls will quiet and still any storm. It will keep us from crying and whining so often because our deepest insides know that He is in control.  

So maybe today I can strive to be weaned and ready for the "meat" like 1 Corinthians says. To dig deeper in my thought life and reflect more vividly God's love for me. To spend more "quality" time crying out to God in my devotions. This would mean less time throwing up surface prayers of distrust to Him (even if they are a large "quantity"). The meat is what sustains us for much longer periods. It is what grows us to be much less helpless and incapable. It is what turns a coffee less frown into a spirit filled smile at 5am!

"Seek Ye First" and all these things may be added unto you??

I've decided it's been far too long since I've journaled here about all it is that God, through my family (of two girls and Roy) aka my ministry, has been showing me... AND although  it takes sometimes a year or even two for me to sit down and think on these things, I am finally spilling it. His still small voice is ever so faithful over my loud scattered and most times sleepy brain!
Not knowing where to start I will just jump right smack in the middle of my memory of what He's oh so patiently taught me since last blogging. Just yesterday I listened to a teaching streamed  from the web by Joe Phocht.. Something he or I should say Jesus said just seems to sum up and bring clearity to an entire journal of words from God to my heart. It is sooo simple but sooo profound to this heart of mine... AND I've heard it one million nine hundred sixty seven times...
                  "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you".
So despite all the overwhelming lists of things to do or get or finish or cook or clean or organize or (whatever other verb you can think up) God has told me over and over these past couple years to set this aside. I am to  seek Him first. "Well God" I say day after day in my heart "I will first get set for the day or get ahead in this, or clear my mind of this 'responsibility' first, and then with those last few minutes, when the coffee is ready and bed is made and kids aren't in need, and I am awake, I will seek You".
You get the point I'm sure by now. But why, oh why, has it taken me this long. I am convinced now that this is due to little miss Chauntel's trust issue. Do I really trust God will add "all these things unto me" if I give Him my eyes and ears? I can say that I have sacrificed Sundays, Wednesdays and whatever other days I have given him my time at church. Is this really what God wants?
Psalm 40:6     "Sacrifice and offering you did not desire—
    but my ears you have opened^[a]—
    burnt offerings and sin offerings^[b] you did not require." 

                      So to those of you who may struggle with worry or fear... DONT. If we truly trust in God we wont lack anything. Seek Him and He will take care of everything else. I am so very thankful that God has not deserted me through this struggle of mine. He has won me over time and time again. He wants our attention because He knows only He can bring about the best for us. Weather we realize or not, that time with Him in our day makes all the difference. 

 Psalm 51:13 says "The one who offers thanksgiving as his sacrifice glorifies me".  

                     This verse has shown me that we must have a thankful heart in order to glorify Him. He needs our ears and a thankful heart. These are the sacrafices we must make. In being thankful and seeking Him, we are not only fulfilling the desires of our father, but we are adding "all these things" to our lives. All these things meaning all the things we worry about will be taken care of without us worrying!! WHAT A DEAL! Why does our perception cloud the simplicity of it?? We either shorten our life, and those around us by being no fun and complaining all the days long and get no where with our issues, OR we seek GOD and get peace, joy, love, the desires of your heart, and His Spirit to assure us that Jesus has everything under controle! 

                     So thank you to my husband, who has waited silently for me to get this! God has placed him in his role to help mold me into the wife God wants me to be.Through times of pushing and nudging, as well as carrying me through some difficulties, he is one of the most steady humans I know. Thank you to my two girls. It's pretty obvious that they need me, but I see it clearly now that I need them. God has put  them under my wing at this time to drive me to His feet. He has given me this task of mothering to humble me to the point where I am desparate for Him. This is a place I love. I can say I love it with confidence because this is a place where I see His face more clear than ever. He so personally touches my heart when I seek Him first! There are quite a few low points that I have visited this past year due to my lack of trust, but God promises more. He promises that there's a place where moth or rust doesn't destroy, or theives don't break in! No matter what is going on around us, we CAN have joy.

                           So with this great revelation that God has patiently and graciously allowed me to finally get I want to record the specific blessings that come. I hope to daily give Him my ear and a thankful heart. I already know that I will fail, but I know that God has etched this deep in my heart so His spirit in me will allow me to get back up again. When worry or anxiety try and get the best of me, I now have the promises to stand on and shield my heart and mind!!! 

Stay tuned for more ramblings of God's victory in the heart and mind of a wife and mother.